The Real One

The situations you get in to, they’re hard and painful and you think how are you going to get over it or why has it happened to you. Or maybe it’s just me either way I’m going to share it with everyone..

You put your time and all your heart in to someone, it seems to go okay and you put all of you in  to that person, completely naked, heart open and vulnerable and they show all signs that they won’t let you fall, all your trust is in them, you’re more or less in the clench of their fist. But you trust them so you have the confidence that you are safe and okay.. until the day comes where it all shatters and the person who you thought the world of becomes the person you hate.. broken hearts and sleepless nights full of tears, all the questions why you, over thinking the down feeling. i could name 100s because I’ve been there i’ve lived it and its fucking hard and i feel your pain on a different level girl. Have you ever been in the position were you can’t bring yourself to hate them to the fullest and not care ever again but you can’t like you’ve tried but you can’t. Now me I’m the over thinker, the one to look in to every detail EVERYTHING i look too much in to things and end up finding out stuff i really wish i didn’t.

The blame game, the wrong way to go about it but i do, it’s that persons fault, you broke my heart. you fucked me over or you betrayed me and i will never forgive you and i probably do hate you but i love you more, but i hate you. see my problem? its hard so anyone in this you aren’t alone! it sucks and I’m not the one to say “it happens to the best of us” bullshit and bullocks sorry not sorry, you would of thought if you give good you get good, clearly not.

then there’s the little hope at the back of your head or bottom of your heart.. thinking maybe just give it time maybe just give it a break or abit of distance, because i feel so strong that this was meant to be mine.. fuck that hope i lost it a long time ago and even if i still had it i wouldn’t act on it i’d just leave it at the back of my head.

i wish i could show you guys what goes on in my head, i have no idea where to begin or what to even say its crazy but i hate it i hate every minute of it because as days go by it breaks me a little more. There’s only so many times you can try only some many times you can “have faith” haha. “what’s meant to be will be” but what if something feels like its meant to be but thats not what its being. my heads full of questions that i want answered but what if they never are?

Where do we go from here? how do we actually move on in relationships in general better yet what if you stay friends with that person, in such conflict of loving them and hating them as much as. but also watching them actually moving on, talking to someone else on the low watching that person becoming their favourite to talk to, to go to, late night convo’s their new hope and their new reason to smile. But for you everything’s on hold. i can’t imagine a pain worse than that, and i’m battling that pain trying to fight it off, trying to not feel it.

We can’t even ask the question why you, because you could be the best fucking person but still have it happen to you and to top it of after every time you still remain that amazing person, there’s no answer trust me I’ve LOOKED and got no answer so i stopped bothering with that, what’s the point it doesn’t make me feel any better and it doesn’t get me no where, i can’t give you the solution and I’m not going to motivational speak or teach because I’ll be honest i don’t know i’m still learning, i’ve been in this situation one too many and it feels brand new every time it hurts twice as worse.

But I know, we can start somewhere, asking questions like “what now?” “where do i go from here” and “whats next?” we can all scream positivity but to actually wholeheartedly actually take it in and practice it in everything we do, to master positivity is to conquer the world I’m sure from then we start on the right path.

I’ve yet to accomplish the next step. So, I guess till then.

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